New EU taxes on crypto

From our legal reporter, who luckily isn’t succesful in trading crypto

The EU has changed their stance on crypto. Their earlier goal was to make sure that exchanges and brokers had more expenses, so a lot of them would go broke instead of broker (which would be worse, of curse) by means of the MiCA law. They sold this with the tune “Protecting investors”.

Later they came up with DAC8, which would make sure that every penny from investors would be out in the open, so politicians and officials could spy on what people owned and tax them to hell and back. They sold this with the tune “Protecting the world against money laundering and financing terrorism”. Of course, the real reason is to be able to tax their funds later with a vengeance. And to send a massive bill as a “fine” when people forgot to tell politicians and officials about those 10 bucks they held on their DeFi wallet.

EU politicians do a grabarama

Politicians from the EU have now turned their eye to the funds of investors. They are preparing a new law called “GTbtW (Grab them by the wallet)”. Through this law they can tax investors for just holding crypto. They made up a whole system by which different holdings can be taxed.

If an investor has Bitcoin in his wallet, he has to pay 1% of his holdings each day to the EU. The reason for this is, that once some guy in Asia used Bitcoin for financing terrorism, so every investor in Bitcoin is a potential terrorist and should go to jail, basically. But for now it will be 1% a day. Cynics have called this a reverse ponzi scheme.

If you hold Ethereum, which is seen as the oil in the crypto machine, you must pay 5% of your holdings to the EU each month, because we all know oil is getting more expensive, so a payment is due. Very diligently of the EU, they say that when the Strait of Ormuz is still closed, the payment goes to 10% each month for holding Ethereum.

Holders of other crypto will get a general tax of 25% of their holdings each year, because they might have made a profit and making a profit is illegal by law (under the new law they just invented). If they are succesful traders and make a profit higher than 25%, they will go to jail for being too succesful, unless they pay a 100% tax as a fine.

All taxes are due until every crypto investor has an empty wallet. They sell this with the tune “Protecting investors from the root of all evil”.

The coming exit

Of course traders would simply exit the crypto market, but the EU has thought of that. If you sell all your assets, you will get a fine of 100% of your sales plus a month in prison for every €10K you sold.

If you exit the EU, you will be excommunicated and must leave without a religion, without money, without a passport or ID card and you can’t have anything with you but your clothes. If no country will have you, you need to wait until one does. Your waiting period will be in an airport jail. The EU doesn’t like fortune seekers!

An interview with officials

Our legal reporter asked for an interview with officials from the EU. He got a list of questions he may ask, like “This is a great new law, who thought of it?” or “The EU is the best country in the world, how do you guys manage that?”

When he said that these question are pure propaganda, he got 5 years probation for insulting the EU. He decided it was not worth it and quickly fled the scene.