Chainlink becomes influencer
From our memecoin reporter, who already lost a house and a lambo in crypto
Chainlink decided that being an oracle isn’t making enough money. They see that they are losing traction and the top 10 is getting out of sight. So they are shifting the goalposts and have a big announcement on their website:
“From now on we will not only give out the results of our oracles, but we will give advice with the numbers we produce. For the small amount of $5 in Juel a day you can subscribe to our service. If you pay for 25 years in advance, we predict you will pay less per month, but more right now. Seeing how inflation goes, you will never get a better deal!”
An interview with Chainlink officials
“It is great to have you guys with me, I’m standing here with Sergey Nazarow and Steve Ellis,” our reporter declared.
“So, how does this exactly work, you sign up for $5 a day and then you get the results from your oracles in your inbox? And what is a Juel?”
“Indeed,” Steve said, “and on top of that you get our advice on what to do. A Juel is the same as a satoshi to a Bitcoin.”
“So, 100 million Juels makes 1 Bitcoin?”
“No, no, no, a Juel is 0.000000000000000001 LINK. So 100 million billion Juel is 1 LINK.”
“Wow, that’s a lot of Juels in one LINK, did you expect Chainlink to become way more expensive?” our reporter asked.
“No comment,” Steve said.
“Right, so who is this Juel named after?”
“Ari Juels, co writer of our whitepaper and the inventor of Proof of Work!”
“A great man to have on your team! Where is he now?”
“He is writing the whitepaper on Proof of Oracle Influencer, PoOI.”
Proof of Oracle Influencer – How it works
“Right. So if I would subscribe I would get real-time stats from cryptocurrencies plus advice on what to do with these numbers?”
“Looks like you figured it out,” Sergey echknowledged, “for just $5 we tell you exactly what to do!”
“So, how do you come up with that advice? Do you have professional traders in your team now?”
“Not at all,” Steve said, “we hire influencers to persuade you to buy or sell. Professional traders are way too expensive and influencers like to convince people to do things. This way us and them are both happy. Besides, influencers make more money, because they have talent for moving crowds, something we desperately need at Chainlink. Professional traders are too boring to follow, they give too good advice!”
“Hm. But when I get the oracle feed, how can an influencer be so quick with giving advice that goes with the currenct prices of crypto?”
“We have thought of that,” Sergey added, “we simply ask influencers to give us an hourly advice and we use our oracle to get real-time feeds from all the advice from all influencers. By doing this, we can extract the average idea of influencers, so you won’t get only advice from the extremes.”
“So, what sort of message can we expect? Bitcoin goes down 5%, dump your whole stack or so?”
“That depends on the hourly advice, of course. Some hours you will get Bitcoin is down 5% sell everything, if you log in an hour later, you might get the advice to buy the dip!”
“That doesn’t sound very trustworthy!” our reporter added, “Do you guys expect a lot of customers for this?”
“Indeed we do!” Steve said, “People are more interested in advice than in our oracles, that’s for sure. We talked about it with influencers and they told us that people are always looking out for a guru to tell them what to do. We will deliver our own guru, the oracle combined with the influencers. All automatic.”
Smart economics
“Just one more thing. Your price is $5 a day, so that’s about $2K per year. But if you pay for 25 years, you gotta pay $100K. That’s like double the dayprice.”
“Very sharp,” Sergey said, “but in 25 years that price will look like a buck a day, see? Inflation will make this deal interesting, but you must be able to see in the future!”
“Right. I was never good at economics, so I guess you are onto something. I’ll start saving up for that exclusive deal, but right now I’m kinda short on cash. I’ll go for the daily deal and follow your lead. I got a house and a lambo to recover. May your oracle lead me to new riches! Thank you, Steve and Sergey.”
How our reporter also lost his couch
Our reporter, who never did his own research, got a lead on Pippin, sold his couch, and went all in with 50x leverage. He lost his couch, but he still has one seat left. And also one on the right.
His family is afraid our reporter might sell them some day too, but lucky for them it is still illegal to sell people.
“One day these memecoins will make me rich!” he declared. What our reporter lacks in skill, he makes up for in faith. If any of you had faith like him, you could never fail! In theory…
