From our Royal reporter
Breaking news: A transaction on the Ethereum blockchain now costs at least $1K per transaction. After the blob and the flop upgrade, the time has come for the rob upgrade. The new upgrade will be called the Ethereum Urge upgrade.
The Ethereum team has decided that it is time to put the lid on all these transactions. They are simply clogging up the Ethereum Virtual Machine. Each transaction will be a minimum of $1K and will take a day to finish.
“This will guarantee that the EVM, which has been renamed the Extract Value Machine, will run smoothly,” the Ethereum team told us, “there will be so few transactions that we will give you your money back if your transaction hasn’t gone through in that day.”
Reaction from the crowd
Ethereum validators are outraged. All Ethereum forums shows people going frantic.
“How can we rob people like in the good ole days of Proof of Work? Now no one will make a single transaction ever again!”
Ethereum developers are trying to calm them down. They are pointing out that Louis Vuitton bags are way overpriced too, and still people are buying them. Give it some time and the elite and the royalties will come, so they can say: “I made a transaction in Ethereum today. I bought 10 XRP for 20 bucks on a DEX and paid 1100 bucks in fees!” They will be the talk of the cocktail party.
ETH price is down
Ethereum prices have come down to 89 cents since the upgrade. Of course our Royal reporter asked for some more elaboration.
“We have done like everything for our customers, making the transaction costs lower and even putting in some layer2 protocols, but still the price of ETH kept coming down from $4K to $2K. It is time to strike back! These plebejers don’t deserve us. Let’s make the best blockchain for the best people: the rich!”
The Ethereum team expects the number of transactions go up very soon, once word goes around.
“So far we haven’t seen a transaction since the upgrade, but we are sure that if the elite finds out what we have done for them, they will come. We even made a forum for them on our website, that costs $5K to join, called ‘Fuck the poor forum’. We already have 5 members there, so we expect this thing to start rolling soon!”
Of course our Royal reporter joined that forum, but he was soon kicked out and got no money back. Apparantly you need to have at least a staff of 5 in your mansion, otherwise you get kicked. Just so you know.
Our royal reporter still thinks Ethereum is on to something.
“No blockchain ever admitted they are for the elite. There is always a market for that, albeit small. He expects the price of ETH might soon rally to $1 once customers start dripping in.”
We shall keep you posted if there is any news on this front!